I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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