so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
