my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
