I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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