I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
