Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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