i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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