four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
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you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
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like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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