Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
