So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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