half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
