I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
