ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
