I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
