So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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