i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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