Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
