i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
