apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
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I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
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Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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