i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
