I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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