Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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