I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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