me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
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My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
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Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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