Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
