gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
The police scanner is talking about you again....
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
