apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
