I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
