ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
