The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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