ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
