i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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