If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
