Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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