And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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