Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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