I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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