when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
