He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
