My friends, they love my intelligence
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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