I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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