This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
