I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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