Your dad touched me again.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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