Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
