I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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