He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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