I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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