I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
