You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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