I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
