I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
