Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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