When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
