she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
