I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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