Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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