we're chasing vodka with high fives
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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